A Totally Serious Guide To USC’s Next Coach
Before anyone freaks out, this article is satire…After years of underachieving and embarrassing losses, USC’s defeat to Stanford at the Coliseum on Saturday was the straw the broke the camel’s back. USC athletic director Mike Bohn released a statement Monday afternoon that is surely echoing through the streets of Los Angeles. Clay Helton is officially out as head coach.
I want to be clear right now that this is in no way a post bashing Clay Helton. This is strictly looking at potential candidates for the vacancy at the head coaching position. I’m sure there will be plenty of other articles about how he completely deflated a once-proud program. How he underdeveloped his players. How he rode the coattails of Sam Darnold‘s magic far longer than any coach should have been able to, but you will find no such slander here. With that being said here’s the only list of candidates Mike Bohn should be looking at to replace Helton.
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Urban Meyer
Over the past several years the USC administration has received a lot of criticism that their academic aspirations have come at the cost of the football program. I’d argue that USC doesn’t have to choose between football and academics. As soon as the news hit about Helton’s dismissal the Twitter world came to life with rumors regarding the health of current Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer.
If Urban Meyer were to resign due to health reasons it would make sense for him to seek treatment. Los Angeles just so happens to be home to USC’s Keck School of Medicine, one of the premier medical schools in the country. What if Meyer were to seek treatment at Keck and miraculously recover at the same time the football program coincidentally needs a coach. This would be the sort of positive press USC has been dying to have for years.
Those in academia would be able to tout the school’s medical prowess over the likes of Harvard, Stanford, and NYU, while the football program would finally have a leader to bring them back to the national stage.
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Deion Sanders
Since Pete Carroll left in 2009 the USC athletic department has been trying to replicate that success with hires connected to his coaching tree. I have no problem trying to recreate past success, but what if we haven’t been trying to go back far enough. Can Coach Prime be the modern-day John McKay?
Deion Sander is hilarious. There’s a reason he is working with Dave Portnoy at Barstool Sports. He has a great personality and would be an absolute recruiting machine at USC. John McKay was known for being quick on his toes and giving legendary quotes. So legendary that Brian Kelly just failed miserably trying to copy one, thus proving it’s not just the material but the person who delivers it. Boom. Instant connection between Prime and McKay.
But it doesn’t stop there. John McKay famously coached his son, J.K. McKay, and won multiple championships. Who is Deion Sanders‘ starting quarterback at Jackson State? That’s right. His son, Shedeur Sanders. With the new NCAA transfer rules, Shedeur can immediately replace Kedon Slovis at quarterback and give the Trojans a true dual-threat behind center.
USC needs star power if they are going to compete in the Los Angeles market, and Deion and Shedeur are the perfect draw. The Sanders’ would immediately push aside LeBron James and Bronny Jr. as Los Angeles’ supreme father-son duo.
Kliff Kingsbury
Let me set the stage. September 3rd, 2022 the Los Angeles Coliseum is packed as the Trojans face the Rice Owls to open up the season. The stadium is eerily quiet as the team waits in the tunnel. A thin veil of smoke conceals the team from the fans eagerly awaiting their introduction. The sound system in the Coliseum start to crackle as P Diddy and Skylar Grey’s “Coming Home” begins to play as the ravenous crowd erupts into cheers. As the smoke dissipates new head coach and former 2-week offensive coordinator, Kliff Kingsbury, leads his team out of the tunnel. Thus marking his long-awaited return to Los Angeles. As he stands at midfield with the Los Angeles skyline reflecting off his Ray-Ban sunglasses a single tear drops down his cheek. The prodigal son hath returned.
The Trojans pummel the Owls with Jaxson Dart throwing for 400 yards and 5 touchdowns. Monday morning rolls around with Kingsbury and Dart on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. They’ve been named the coolest coach-quarterback tandem in college football history.
Aaron Rodgers
I know what you all must be thinking. “How is a former guest host of ‘Jeopardy!’ qualified to be a college football coach?”
Well, I absolutely love how he goes about his life with a massive chip on his shoulder, and after being spurned for the full-time hosting job you’d have to imagine he’d take some of that edge to the locker room. The good news for Trojan fans is that he is not completely without football experience. He has since taken his talents from the studio to gridiron to play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers.
While this venture has so far been unsuccessful to start the season there are qualities outside of his football prowess that makes him intriguing. His desire to be a celebrity and his cold-heartedness to those he should love are the perfect attributes for someone trying to make it in Los Angeles.By firing Helton this early in the season Mike Bohn gets a tremendous head start in the coaching search, but the only question is will he use this time properly? The past few coaching searches have been utter failures. With this guide, I have laid out the perfect outline for Bohn to follow in his search. Four great candidates with the reasons to back them up.
Good luck Mike, your job has never been easier.